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It'll take me 4 hours to cycle to stonehaven and another 4 to cycle back. I am going to save up enough money to get a better bike before i start doing that and a helmet as well.
Hopefully i'll be able to do it end of this year or early next year when the weather is good. It'll be something i'll do happily by myself. Just to know that i can do it if i really wanted to ...
it feels like i'm being molded, far from being finish, and bits are rolling and losing its way. my personal mission everyday is to combat the urge to sleep. kevin is not much of kevin anymore. not so much of a gleeful smile. i wonder if this is the sign for aging. i dont know how i am suppose to react as i would. its always random, i wonder if this is depression.
i got severely drunk. although i didnt remember anything, victor told me what happened. seemed that i might have vomited loads and then i cried and hit victor a few bashful. though i cant remember any of it, i can certainly tell why i did that at the moment. it still hurts but maybe it is suppose to hurt forever. and just maybe, there is more than 1 perfect girl for me in the world. the wounds wouldn't heal until the next perfect girl comes along. maybe natalia is the only person that makes me myself. because i am myself, i think. but it doesn't matter now. study is all that matters.
Vagelis is leaving for Greece on saturday. Finally someone with same brain wavelength but leaving again. Haha .... those were nice times in bobbin and that money we lost in the casino. Xp
take care vagelis. i hope we meet some day.
there is no one that i can tell this to, but i need a pause to breath out these thoughts in my head, to keep myself sane and alive.
i miss eating paus with caryn, and that is what i wish every morning when i wake up, and it still hurts as if it was only yesterday. its been a 1 year wait, i really just want to feel how it was to be with you back then for just 5 minutes. i wish if 5 minutes was just so easy.
i miss malaysian sun, i miss mcdonald, i miss paus, i miss friends, i miss secondary school friends, i miss work place friends, i miss caryns hands, i miss my shabby room and watching movie in that room with my sister, i miss driving caryn, i miss being the kiddish me, i miss being myself, i miss being happy.
half the things i miss, i know i'll never get back. i miss so many more things.
Luis Royo ... sorry for plagiarizing your art but I didn't have a high def piece. My new wallpaper, suddenly remembered what natalia mentioned, and this will serve to remind me of you.
It's been about 5 months since I've been here. There's really nothing different about aberdeen compared to malaysia, at least nothing mind blowing enough to annoy.
Though there are some subtle things that just don't make sense here.
While we have mat rempits in malaysia delivering for pizza hut with a bike, in aberdeen, they use SMART cars or the more luxurious local cars. Does't really make sense does it? No wonder pizza here is so expansive...
What does the term 'just now' mean to you?
Answer 1 (if you're malaysian) : 5 minutes - 5 hours ago
Answer 2 (typical aberdeen people) : RIGHT NOW!
But one thing is for sure .... there are mosquitoes in UK too ... but none that beats any of them IQ and EQ in malaysia. A more primitive version of mosquito.
I've just woken up from a 10 hours sleep, my very first in Aberdeen.
It wasn't a peaceful sleep. I didn't sleep the whole way through. It was like watching a broken tv, series after series and all of it didn't make sense to me.
I can't put my finger down where the dreams were or how many I had, but there was one really odd one with Satvinder in it, fixing his camera. I thought that was pretty funny, he is technologically challenged even in my dreams.
And I can recall two other dreams. Both with caryn. One of it was where we use to live in vista. I was watching me, but that wasn't me, in a way as if i wanted for myself to move closer but i couldn't.
And the next dream, we were both at my grandmother's place, sitting on that red sofa in front of the tv. This time, I had control of me in this dream and as I inched closer just to get her hand, I thought, finally, it's been a year and after all this waiting. And she just said, 'We're not going to make it, i don't love you at all.' And she took out a book with pictures of us, but dusty and torn, and she threw it out.
I could feel my heart in my real body break and sucked in and tear, even while i was dreaming.
I miss that one hand.
i've lost a best friend, a friend that is in the same condition as me back in malaysia when i lost fiona as a friend.
i've lost the role of being a part of a family after i went to med school, i've forgotten what my mothers smile is like.
i've lost a great buddy who always is there to hang out with when i lost james.
i've lost an old wise friend, a friend who reminds me of the right choices in life when i lost mui how.
most of all, i've lost a big part of my mind and my heart, and the most memorable lover, the friend who is always there, fun moments, lost the ability to believe in love as it was with her, when i lost caryn.
this is the moment when i feel blessed to have gained a few new friends. people who would stand by. i am thankful i have great housemates like kien wei and victor. i wish we could stay together for the 2 years in aberdeen. i am thankful i still have one malaysian friend who makes the effort to stay in touch, haha, that's you la ellice! and of course my sister for talking with me, although a couple of hundread miles away. i miss my sister and watching lame ass show and sleeping in the same tiny room.
thank you everyone.
It'll take me 4 hours to cycle to stonehaven and another 4 to cycle back. I am going to save up enough money to get a better bike before i start doing that and a helmet as well. 
