my first 10 hours sleep

I've just woken up from a 10 hours sleep, my very first in Aberdeen.

It wasn't a peaceful sleep. I didn't sleep the whole way through. It was like watching a broken tv, series after series and all of it didn't make sense to me.

I can't put my finger down where the dreams were or how many I had, but there was one really odd one with Satvinder in it, fixing his camera. I thought that was pretty funny, he is technologically challenged even in my dreams.

And I can recall two other dreams. Both with caryn. One of it was where we use to live in vista. I was watching me, but that wasn't me, in a way as if i wanted for myself to move closer but i couldn't.

And the next dream, we were both at my grandmother's place, sitting on that red sofa in front of the tv. This time, I had control of me in this dream and as I inched closer just to get her hand, I thought, finally, it's been a year and after all this waiting. And she just said, 'We're not going to make it, i don't love you at all.' And she took out a book with pictures of us, but dusty and torn, and she threw it out.

I could feel my heart in my real body break and sucked in and tear, even while i was dreaming.

I miss that one hand.