Saturday, May 2, 2009

A mindful rash

It’s a remarkable thing, the level of loneliness one could experience even if you were in the heart of a parade of 200+ people. No matter how amazing the day was, it could all be ruined with just one simple sentence.

I only wish I didn't hear this today, 'I heard you knew someone in Belfast'.

And I wish I didn't have this thing called facebook. I thought I blocked this person out of my life, but notifications just keeps coming up. Just to remind me how life is so perfect for her.

And every time I see a senior, I just automatically have to hate them, no matter how nice they may be to me. I hate seniors that falls in love with juniors. I hate them with that simple reason, unwillingly I do, to the core.

I feel like I’ve lost everything. I can’t seem to like anyone. I’ll find reasons to hate them, extremely irrelevant reasons. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable I wish I could just have an accident on the street and die painlessly.

I spent 258 pictures today, and none of them were taken without thinking about her. It kills, as if there’s no reason to live anymore. I spent my whole evening wishing I could show her everything I saw and heard today, how nice it would be to have a conversation with her. It’s agony to want something you could never have. So distressing that it makes me fall to my knees and weep like a mindless child. And above all that, I have to wear this stupid smile throughout the day. I hate it here. I hate Ireland, Irish, Rome, for not good reasons.

I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone. It’s never anyone else’s fault. It has always been mine. And yet, it’s never about me, nor anything I could ever fix.

It is time to buck up and suck up all the pain and mistakes. I only have myself to blame. All I’m wondering is how long this torture will last.